I don't talk about it much here because I realize my short journey, which lasted less than 2 years, is hardly a trial compared to those who have waited 5 and 10 years with no child to fulfill their dreams of parenthood. My journey was not one that ended with a doctor telling me that I would never become pregnant. I was not told that my body is not capable of carrying a baby to term. I never had any procedures, cysts or life-endangering circumstances. Compared to these, my story is all success and no struggle at all. But, every woman can attest that when it is you, who reads, "not pregnant" on a pee-stick month after month after month, it quickly becomes a painful rollercoaster of wishful thinking and let down every month.
We believe that due to stress, my body was not ovulating properly, so for about a year, I was only ovulating every 2 or 3 months. This meant that every 2 or 3 months I was not getting a period and we all know, that first sign you might be pregnant is no period! So I kept hoping and dreaming that that meant I was pregnant, but it didn't.
I quit a job that, while very rewarding, was also very stressful and not family-friendly. It was a step of faith we felt called to and trusted God would honor our decision. A month after I quit the job, my body returned to normal. I was at complete peace.
After Matt had some tests, results came back that due to some abnormalities, we may not be able to conceive on our own, unless we considered In Vitro Fertilization. This wasn't even something we were ready to discuss. I was sad that my dreams of carrying a child, may not come to fruition.
We also had moved into a four bedroom house that had an empty room we were hoping would become a nursery. It already had custom-painted pink stripes! The day we got Matt's test results, I went to Lowe's, bought some paint and covered up those blasted, pink stripes that had been taunting me for the last year. This was perfect therapy for me. And for a while, I was able to rest in believing God had closed the door.
It wasn't too long after that, that I did become pregnant with a beautiful baby girl (who has a green room!) and now I am pregnant again!
The reason I wanted to write about this is because now more than ever,
I am learning more about the goodness of God. I am learning that
I don't know what I need and when I need it. He does.
John 6:29 AMP says, "Jesus replied, "This is the work [service] that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger].
In Ann Voscamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, she talks about this verse. "That's my daily work, the work God asks of me? To trust. The work I shirk. To trust in the Son, to trust in the wisdom of this moment, to trust in now. And trust is that: work. The work of trusting love. Intentional and focused. Sometimes, too often, I don't want to muster the energy. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with the worry evidences of a soul too lazy, too undisciplined, to keep gaze fixed on God? To stay in love? I don't like to ask these questions, sweep out these corners where eyes glare from shadows. But this I must ask and I do.... Isn't joy worth the effort of trust?"
And so I keep remembering everyday to be thankful for my husband's sickness. To be thankful that we don't have a lot of money. To be thankful that I don't have anything other than what He has entrusted to me in this moment.
His steadfast love endures forever.
Whatever He chooses to give me in exactly this moment is exactly what I need right now. Whatever he deems best for my life to bring Him glory, then let it be.
I, my sinful heart, wishes for what will bring me the most happiness in this one day of my short, earthly existence, but He chooses, what He will give us according to what will bring Him glory. According to what will bring salvation. According to what will multiple disciples to His kingdom. We can take GREAT JOY in our suffering to know that He chose to use us for His glory, even through heartache.
In the last week, I have read the same verse in two different books by two different authors and in a completely unrelated Bible study, heard the same verse. Each time, a reminder, that I cannot and should not trust myself!
Jeremiah 17:9 NIV says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
I've said this before, and I'll say it again. We cannot trust our lives with our deceitful hearts; our hearts, that lie to us, about what is best for us. The deceitfulness that brought Eve to take of the apple in the garden of Eden, is the same deceitfulness and sinful nature we all have in our hearts. I hear people all the time saying, 'I'm just trusting my heart'. I've probably said it myself. And now, I think, how foolish! Why would I ever trust my heart? And that brings a new meaning to the verse many of us have heard all our lives, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight!" Prov. 3:5-6